We all fear isolation for our children. What if there are no other home-educators near by? Does that mean our home-education is doomed? What if we only have one child? What if our child is not outgoing? Many of us struggle with these questions at some point. Well let's look deeper into the subject. Let's look at two words: socialisation and socialising? Let's start by defining what we mean. Dictionary.com defines socialisation as 'a continuing process whereby an individual acquires a personal identity and learns the norms, values, behavior, and social skills appropriate to his or her social position.' Socialising is the action of behaving in a friendly or sociable manner. (Collinsdictionary.com) So we see that both have to do with being 'sociable', that is, knowing how to behave in the company of others. To do this the child needs to learn the accepted codes of behaviour for the place in which they live. Such codes differ between countries and races. However, the process of 'socialisation' goes a step further and includes the acquiring of a personal identity. According to Wikipeadia, "socialization is the process of internalizing the norms and ideologies of society. Socialization encompasses both learning and teaching and is thus "the means by which social and cultural continuity are attained" How do we socialise our children? Well, learning to be sociable and socialise certainly does not need lots of children the same age as our own, or we would have put them in school. Learning the norms, values, behaviour and social skills should be learnt first and foremost in the home and with contact with close family. When we meet with other people, our children will put into practice what they have learnt at home. Therefore, although it is not good for us or our children to be isolated we don't necessarily needs lots of other youngsters to help our children socialise. They simply need to be meeting other people, of whatever age. Yes, I agree, it is wonderful if they can have a close friend, but this is not always supplied. When the children are young and time goes more slowly, then look around and see who you can invite to your home. We had several elderly ladies in our chapel at that time and they loved to come round and spend time with the young children. The children benefitted as it was someone else to practice hospitality on, with the added bonus of a listening ear, someone to show their latest achievement to, or their latest creation, someone to spoil with fresh baked cakes. It did us all good. These were excellent opportunites for us, the parents, to see how the children coped with visitors. We would rehearse before they came how they could behave, things they could say. After the visit we 'debriefed': what could we have done better? How could we have dealt with that awkward situation better? Sometimes we would note that one child needed more work in a particular area, so we would work on it before the next visitor came. So we would to aim towards our children having many 'social skills' sorted by the time they are early teens, although they will probably still need a little encouragment sometimes! Children/teens do not need a bunch of other youngsters to teach them these things. If anything they are likely to learn unsociable ways if we are not very careful who they spend time with. Youngsters left alone, with no sense of purpose are easy prey to temptations to do wrong. Dare I say that I consider even church youth groups to be a danger. What do we want for our children? Yes, we would like them to have friends, but they don't need to be constantly socialising and teenagers don't need any more than they did when they were young, and sometimes friends are still not provided. However what is more important is that they do need socialisation. This of course is the big area, where we differ greatly from the world. It is of course one of the main reasons we have not sent them to school. We want to be in control of our children's socialisation. We want to instill in them our values and Christian ways of behaving, but I feel that we are in danger of giving all we have gained so far in our children away, if in the teen years we put emphasis on socialising over and above being socialised. All children need a sense of identity. They will get it at any cost. Too often we see children abandoning the values they have been taught at home once they get into the wider world, as they seek an identity in it. Somehow I would like to suggest, we need to help them get an identity before they leave us, while we still have the priviledge of guiding them. One word of warning as we start to explore this more: watch out for quiet children who may seem compliant and mature. Very often they get the idea they are not worth anything because they don't have lots of friends. Don't presume they are ok. Children without a sense of identity, who are not comfortable with themselves, who do not have a sense of purpose, often go astray. Some take on/have undesirable habits, others may become very withdrawn, even depressed and anxious - just look around and the number of young folk with mental illness. I believe that many undesirable outcomes come from a lack of identity. Broken homes with no-one to really take an interest in the youngster and guide them - no role models, or parents too busy with their own occupations to notice their teens. And you know, sadly, it can happen in the home-school too. We can let go of the reigns too early, or not understand what we are aiming for and miss the mark. It's never easy rasing children, none of us do it perfectly, but we must continue to study - study what we are doing and study our children to see how well we are doing. So, a sense of identity is the one thing all children and especially teens do need. This becomes more important at this stage of development. These days, teens are left in education for many years (at least now until 18) creating a sense of protracted childhood, at the time in their lives when they are seeking a greater sense of identity which comes with a sense of purpose. This is very frustrating to the teen and too often, these teens turn to entertainment and aimless socialising to help them through what can become boring, unproductive years - with nothing to do other than study for exams. Teens have great potential! They are entering their most creative years. They feel the urge to be a man/woman, to have a purpose in life. They need something to aspire to. Left to their own devices, teens will find their sense of identity, usually imitating those they spend time with. It is easy for us to think that the thought of going to college or university is enough, as after all, isn't that the way it was for us? However many of us bear the scars of a lack of identity when we were young. So what can we do? The dangers of socialisingI would first like to take a quick look at some of the dangers of socialising. My husband and I read a book by the Maxwells, Keeping Our children's Hearts, which influenced our thinking on this subject greatly. In it they advised us to avoid sending children/teens out of the home alone for their socialising/entertainment. We do not want to copy the world, which is constantly seeking external entertainment, so that when the teen reaches maturity and finds a wife, they want to go out all the time, leaving the family home. The familiar scenario of dad out fishing every weekend, leaving the poor wife at home coping with the children comes to mind. The life of 'out socialising' all the time is an unreal/unbiblical life. It is not suited to family life. We have a young family just moved in near us, and one or the other is out nearly every night, leaving the other with the young children. How this opens the door for temptation. We need to train the teen to see family life as something to be protected. Keep the family together as much as posible. Yes, external work must be done, but then you return home. The world tries to seperate us and pull us apart and look at the consequences. Let's seek to train teens for real life. Yes, we all need friends, but we shouldn't have to depend on their stimulation all the time. Our stimulation should be in the home. It is still good to invite other families/single Chrisitans/elderly folk to your home. They still provide: friends to practice social skills on (not to learn them from!), conversation stimulus, and sometimes a listening ear that teens greatly appreciate in someone they can trust. Visit others as a family too. Have that sense of unity in mind all the time, though. Thankfully, e-mail makes it easier to communicate while still in the home, but that too brings it's own snare. We will want to instruct our teens in the profitable use of technology and set them a good example. The Maxwell's advice was to make your home the most fun and stimulating place to be. Spend time with your children - right up into adulthood. Make it clear to them that you think that their interests/thoughts etc... are important. So how can we help our children/young people develop a sense of identity and hence a sense of purpose? Here are some things to consider: How does your teen spend their free time?Above all, encourage young people to be profitably engaged in their free time. Don't just be interested in their schooling and then leave them to their own devices. As Christian home-educators we are seeking to develop the whole person, not just academically educate them. My husband and I were greatly helped by another book by the Maxwells about Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single Income Family. It encouraged us to seek purposeful activities for our sons particularly (but it could easily apply to daughters too if you have them) from an early age. Over and above the normal chores, things like, teaching them to change light bulbs, mending things alongside you as they go wrong (looking it up in a book or on You Tube together if you are not very practical like us!). They encouraged us to think about what our sons could do at each stage, to include them in our tasks, not just leave them to their own entertainment. Of course there was time for that too, but this 'drawing them in' helps them to feel as if they are doing more responsible tasks and 'growing up', as well as preparing them for future life and being able to save money if they can do things themselves rather than pay for help. I have to admit that sometimes the teen is reluctant to join in with us, but they soon find that spending quality time with mum/dad, with her/his ear while they work is enjoyable. It's a great time for getting to know your teen, how they think and how they work, for establishing bonds and building a solid trusting relationship with them for the future - keeping the heart! See them as your apprentice! What can you train them in? Household management both financial and practical, cooking, car maintenance, DIY, gardening? The list is endless, so much potential! Make use of visiting workmen to the home - if they will. We have found that many are happy to teach us while we watch, when we explain we home-educate. It seems to make the workman feel more important too! Consider your children's interests.Help and encourage your teen to develop their interests. Look for opportunities in the home and beyond for activities that will develop skills and character. This will take time and effort on your part. It may be a whole lot easier to leave them in their room with a screen, but souls are precious and easily lost. Take care to make the effort to take an interest in your child/young person and what better way then to encourage their interests and feed their passions. Do things with them and if you can't then take as active an interest as you can. I am talking here about serious interests, not just football. There is a place for watching sport together, but your child needs a healthy, educational interest in something. For us it's birds and trains, for others woodwork, art, farming, photography, animals, making things, sewing, musical instruments ... the list goes on. Our teen's magazines have come out of their interests. They started with a simple website each, and it and their ideas grew! They have become mini experts in their subjects. I hear of others converting garages into wood workshops and selling at craft fairs, others writing books and getting them published. With a little bit of help, encouragement and steering it's amazing what they can do. Think big! As your young person grows and matures, hopefully your years of good training will be bearing fruit and you will be able to train them to take increasing amounts of responsibility. This sense of resposibility gives them a sense of purpose. It is indeed good to see them maturing and thinking issues through for themselves, especially when they take heed of God's Word. Above all, seek to model a godly life to your children. They will learn much from it. Check your own social habits! Pray about your teens future with them, expecting God to lead and open doors. We have been amazed how many times this has happened, from friendships to opportunities for learning. All have been provided AT THE RIGHT TIME, which no amount of worrying before hand could have influenced! As your youg person gets older and engages in pursposeful activites - activites that will prepare them for a working life, or a life caring for children in the home, they may find like-minded friends. Plan for such activities to happen. Spend time seeking such opportunites. Pray about them. Always keep a watchful eye, albeit from an increasing distance as they mature. Still make use of 'teaching opportunites' to refine their social behaviour. Are they too cocky, or too retcient. Seek to addres these things - talk man to man and woman to woman, not chiding but letting them see this is instruction for adulthood, which they aspire to be part of - exciting! Our boys both currently volunteer, one for the RSPB and the other for a Heritage Railway. They have a great sense of achievement at doing these 'adult' activities. Some of their new friends are three times their age, but they are happy - they have a sense of importance and identity and they have like-minded folk to chat to about their favourite subjects. Friends don't have to be the same age. So to close: steer your chidlren away from entertainment and be careful how sh/he spends their free time and who with. Nurture his/her interests, guide them encourage them and above all, guard their hearts and KEEP them, as they are still very impressionable. Make your home as warm, inviting and as stimulating as you can. In this way, even families with limited possibilities for 'socialising' need not fear failure, and those with only one child or introverted teens (by this I mean those who draw energy from being more alone, as opposed to extroverts who are energised by being with others) can 'socialise' them... i.e. help to give them an identitiy and a sense of purpose. I hope these thoughts are an encouragement to some.
1 Comment
joy
19/1/2018 09:40:21 pm
This was an encouraging and inspiring article!
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Welcome!After studying for an Early Years Specialism degree (B.Ed. Hons), and teaching in mainstream education, I home-educated my own children, after my husband and I were persuaded of the need to take responsibility for bringing up our children 'in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.' (Ephesians 6:4) We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
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